I was so nervous at my first Service I could hardly speak.
Afterwards I asked the Abbott how I did.
He replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday I took the Abbott's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, I got nervous and took a drink. I then
proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon my return to my office after the mass, I found the following note
on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the Grub, Yeah God!
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
15) You're fired.
And that, my children, is my story
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